My road to riches

Waking up to the sound of chirping birds is such a tranquil and serene feeling… its like i am living in the country side free from the hustle bustle of city life… slow running crystal clear streams with baby carps gliding thru the soft current… butterflies and flowers and everything nice. Birds usually symbolises freedom, flying freely and effortlessly over the horizon (without having to worry about things like gasoline price increase… ma hai, again wor…)

Everything is so cheery until i walked out and saw what these feathered things is capable of doing to my beloved car. SHIT. That is the very moment that i wished all birds would get sucked into the engine turbine of a jumbo jet carrying annoying bosses, macauhai drivers and bitches so that the birds wold become minced meat and clog up the engine and finally cause the plane to crash into a house full of boring bloggers… killing everything instantly. Perfection!

I wash Darth Allimor once a week (vacuuming, shampoo, waxing, tyre shining, leather treatment etc etc). These birds drops and average of 8 splats a day, usually white splats with green center. SO for the next 6 days there would be 48 splats on my car and that is not farking nice at all. Its like an orgy of bird diarrhea. And cool guys like me dont drive around a crap covered wheels. An observation indicates the same bird (lets call it Lanciao).  Lanciao is a bloody crow that sits on the roof and deposit his waste on my car on a daily basis… i am cracking a grand welcome for him tomorrow.

Its called lastik… wait, that would kill it and its too nice of a way to die. I want revenge. Lanciao shat on my car, in return, i would do these:

1. tie lanciao (the bird, not mine) on the floor.
2. get my dogs to shit on it.
3. run over it with my mum’s aging iswara (dun, of course not my own car)
4. put in on the roof as a warning to all would be lanciao wanna be’s. Stern reminder that my Gen2 is NOT a public toilet for anything with wing and has feathers.

So lanciao, if u happen to surf the net and read this… watch your ass……….

I am planning to swing by penang about 2 weeks from now. Having been to penang when i was still an annoying kid of about  8 years of age… i can barely recall how the place looks like. besides, i heard from JOSEPH that its easy to get laid while clubbing there… (no, i dont look for this kinda stuff, they come looking for me most of the time…. bwahahahahahah)

So i have decided to call a fren who have been holed up in the pearl island for the past few years (she’s from kl …) and test test water about the on goings there…

"so how is penang… what is exciting there?"

"There’s plenty to do here… me and my friends would jog to a near dam"

"dam?" i interupted. gigling.

"yeah, dam! And further there is this FOREST that DOESNT look like a FOREST" she said excitingly.

"Forest that doesnt look like a forest?" o_O" i immedietly fell into a ball squeezing fit of laughter….

"w…what..ahhahaha…… what.. does it …hahha look like…"

"stop laughing… that isnt funny!" she said, trying not to be funny but lauhging at the same time.

"First there is a dam in the middle of a town, then there is aforest that doesnt look like a forest… ok. thats exciting" i recovered.

"yeah, hahah, and we usually use this road to get there. The road fits a car, but its a 2 way road!"

O_O" That very moment i collapse from the fit of coma-inducing laughter…..

penang.. is an interesting place.. LOL

A dam in the middle of a town with a forest that doenst look like a forest (she didnt say look like what) and to get there there is a 2 way road that fits one car. I must go there at all cost!

Dear readers of my wonderful(ly farked-up) blog,

In case you need a reminder, i received my car (I figured out a name for my car, she will be called Darth Allimor) approximately 2 weeks ago… on the 6th of July and guess what, i clocked up the 1000th kilometer yesterday. Truly a remarkable moment, its like a child that has reached full puberty and raring to copulate like there is no tomorrow.

I plan to send it for the customary service on monday after my AOOM paper. And after that, its time to abuse my car… so far my top speed was only a mere 140 kmh (thats like kinda snail paced).

Oh and by the way, my car has been superb and i have yet to encounter any sohai proton problems. Lets hope it wont crop up, lets pray it will never traumatise me of my driving experience, Darth Allimor is special… Anyways, all the best to everyone for the exams… u will need a lot of luck!

Sometimes i lie on my couch with a can of Carls and think to myself "How good can life really gets?"

I dont know about a lot of people but my life definitely have been a good one and i am quite pleasantly satisfied so far. Its a cool night, amazingly it did not rain. The bed bugs are busy skimming cells off your body (and given u nasal allergy reactions), the bats a busy chomping on bugs, the cats are copulating, and night sky is velvety and starry…. tip top serenety if you want me to describe it.

I have great friends, a great company, great school, great work…. so far so good for a 21 year old.

God has been nice to me…

*will blog about my first karaoke and starlight cinema next time…. its too damn peaceful to be online… let me be…

riI met some really annoying bunch of prats yesterday while sending my brother to his college in PJ. Sometimes, i wonder if i would lose my head and commit a homicide…

IDIOT #1
I was driving along Jalan Universiti when suddenly there was this short traffic jam, at this hour (2.15pm) there should not be any traffic congestion. After a short stint of stop start stop maneuver, i found the source… you see, the road i was on have 3 lanes. and there is a traffic light. the far right lane turns right into some housing area and the other 2 is for road users to head straight. There was this old squeeking, ah beng looking honda civic in the middle lane refusing to budge, from what i can observe, they intend to turn right but jumped queue at the traffic light. The right signal light was on and blinking. "farking muttheads" i muttered.

What give them the rights to hog and slow down the entire traffic? Now the entire flow of traffic had to move to the far left lane, which causes the congestion. "Son of warty bitches". Damn, if my mum is not in the car…. as i was passing by them, i saw what those retards looked like…
4 guys, 4 diff coloured hair dos, 4 equally ugly freaks of nature… to sum things up, 4 ah bengs or lala cai. I slowed to 10kmh,  gave them a look, and massive horn from my car. And drove away. they are eyeballing me but i dont give a fark. If any one of those 4 muttheads are reading this, read my lips:
"Fark you, i pray your car would collide with another car jampacked with bitches and all of your may rot in the fiery depths of hell!"

IDIOT #2
After sending my bro to his college, and i was on my way back. I was crusing at 120kmh when suddenly (on the speed lane) i had to slow down to a crawl of 80kmh.  A red proton iswara was hogging the speed lane, "be patient… he will surely move aside", as i kept my distance. After 1km, he is still doing what he does best, hogging the farking speedlane at 80kmh. Behind me was a harrier, behind him was a civic, further behind the civic was a wira and they are stuck just like me. At this moment, i decided to be a hero and cure everyone off their annoyance. I flickered my high beam a couple of times hoping that the dickhead infront would realise his wrong doings. Nothing happened, and i had to rely on my horns to get the message  acress… he moved to the middle lane… and everyfarkingone lives happily ever after. While overtaking him, i saw the idiot’s face. He was on the phone with a ciggy between his lips.

Already in a buffer week of the first semester (buffer week = revision week before an exam), and i am still wayyyyy to lazy to actually even look at books, let alone picking one up and flipping them open, i literally spent the entire day waiting for 6 in the evening. By the way, it was yesterday evening.

6 in the evening is a standard time where the gang would have a game of tennis and some swimming at Hobbit’s condominium. The day was fantastic, bright sunshines, birds unloading their crap on my new wheels (my car wasnt park under any tree or cables… so my theory is correct, birds CAN crap while in mid air…. farking birds, i hope they hit an aeroplane and die but i admire their accuracy tho), the bees were buzzing… all seems destined for a great outdoor game of tennis until about 4 oclock that the sky turned its back on me. With the cracking sounds of such high amplitude (like the farting sounds of my bro), the sky turned from a cheery sun smiling to an angry blend of twisting  shit-looking clouds… and the bees are gone, the birds decides to take their dumps else where…. and slowly but surely, it rained.

FARK! - that was the only thing etched on my mind… and after 2 seconds of emptiness, i went back to my piece of over charred lamb chop i was having with my bro and mum. 

"We are playing at 6, maybe it will stop…. and i can resume my Andy Roddick impersonation today" - My usual optimistic self…

Unfortunately it didnt, and the plan was cancelled. That is when i decided to come out of my exile and back into the fast and furious world of indoor football, exile?  Yes, i havent participated in any games for the past 6 months (thats since year 2, i am at the end of my sem 1 of year 3 now). Deep inside i was wondering if my trusty legs have lost its touch. Still, with the hunger for some perspiring fun ringing in my brain cells, i went with it… oh and by the way, a gang member of mine, the lanky BCT came along and played his first game of footsal.

Joined by FatArse at the footsal center, with Wayne and Ben. I played and average game but i was still very happy… 6 months have come and gone and i still have some of the touch there, albeit not as good as i used to be. Maybe with more games i can revert back to my usual game. At the end of the day scored 6 and made 4. Sweeet.

*post is to clean, for some unknown reason i dont feel like cussing and swearing. Still, its too farking clean. Damn.

Got really bored at work cos i formatted my notebook and there is nothing in there except for the messenger and the browser… so i decided to list down the A to Z of my life…

A - Arsenal
THE football team that blows other team away week in and week out but still can win a shit in European tourneys. Been a big fan of arsenal since year 2001 and have never looked back. Do not usually miss the live telecast on astro. Things are looking really good for the next season although the new redcurrant coloured jersey kinda suck. Oh yeah, i hate Man United too…. now all together… USA! USA! USA! Hidup Glazer!!!!

B - Bitch
We ALLLL hate them… they come in many species, shapes, sizes and colours.. and no i am not refering to the hairy mutt but bitches as in humans. U know, the whining bitching type. They ough to be shot, hung and impaled with a torpedo. They 2 time their boyfriends, the gossip and spread rumours (about me), they take others for granted. BITCH!

C - Cigars
If u think cigars = cigarettes, well, go take a wank or something. Cigars is a hobby and a mean to enjoy. Cigarettes are for addiction (very much like those mat gian, no cig = wanna die). Heck, i can go without a cigar for a months. But i just love cigars.. like wine, they vary from each size and brand and their character changes over time. The only problem is the hefty cost… My favourite includes the Montecristo range and the Hoyo range of Habanos.

D - Dog
I nickname of mine in college given by some mindless fuckheads. Just because i am aggresive and at times does funny things does not warrant them to call me something so glorious. My house have 3 of these furry mutts tho, but they are nothing special. Probably a cross breed of 5 million different species (aka usesless dogs). They are Jackie, Wong Choy and Kao Kia (puppy in Hokkien). All of them are place strategically around my humble abode and are trained to bite of the dicks of intruders (most intruders are guys anyways…). Interesting stuff: Wong Choy is first batch of puppies delivered by Jackie and Kao Kia belongs to the second batch. D is also for Dick, and mine is humongous.

E -  Enemies…
Except for some pensioners with impotent and herpes ridden cock from the autoworld forums. I have none and i am proud of that.

F - Faggots
By paying RM 180 for a haircut does turn make a rubbish truck look-a-like into a Porsche. By splashing hundreds on facial care products and treatments does not turn the sole of my worn out slippers into Gucci sandals. So stop wasting money and donate them to the ‘Get-Rid-of-Poverty’ funds instead. A faggot is a bigger faggot when the hairstylist is a faggot himself. Fark you faggots, may you rot in hell.

G - Girls
We all love them… ogling, fantasizing, and with the latest trend of "less is more", things are looking really good 10 years down the road. Whats next "invisible skirts"? Cool, i cant wait.

H - Horizon
The blog ur reading now, the mindless and insane entries… keep coming back…

I - I (aka myself)
The man himself, the evil one…

J - Jerry Seinfield
My favourite comedian, too bad the show is no longer available. Sometimes i feel that his point of views are refreshing and interesting cos he always tend to see things differently.

K - k***n
some one who changed the way i am and i am very grateful for that. Literally changed me from a bad dude to an evil dude. CHeerios… you will remembered for eternity.

L - Lan Jiao (blue bird, or Lan Gel which means hard to gel : used to described stupid hair dos)
This popular word means DICK in Hokkien. But i find it rather rude and seldom cuss using it. My gang and i uses the second meaning, Lan Gel (hard to gel), to describe really ugly and stupid hair cuts (Faggots, remember? SPlashing RM 180 for a Lan Gel hair makes is birdbrain faggot). People like CK and JW may have experience Lan Gel head before.

M - Masturbate
aka wank, jack off, jerk off, playing aircraft simulation, flying a kite etc etc. Self prescribed method to ensure that a guy’s sperm supply is always fresh and raring to go. Done frequently on a maintenance purpose to ensure that our gears are well oiled and requires low downtime when speedy actions are needed. Frequency of maintainence vary from guy to guy, if a guy tells u he doesnt masturbate… recommend him your family doctor for potential reproduction issues. I personally know people who does it once a week to as crazy as fourteen (14!) times a single day.

N - Nicholas
aka fei hai, a former colleague of mine. Famous for being a big snake.

O - Original
Something we Malaysians do not rate fondly off. We are by the way the Piracy Kings. But who is complaining?

P - Penis
The extension of a man that juts out in the groin region. Considered multipurpose apart from disposing urine and reproduction. Usually used to shoot at small insects or plant watering, on extreme cases, may be used as a measurement of how MAN a guy is. Highly sensitve and deemed as a weakness when punch up occurs (note, no guy should touch another guy’s penis, unless ur a farking homosexual).

Q - Quickfiring
aka premature ejaculation, occurs to some guys i personally know. Pity them. Their all time best is -6 seconds. Thats firing before penetration. Losers.

R - Retards
Used to describe some of my colleagues in college and at work. Their puny minds does not fit into their mature-looking shell. May be a pain in the ass when you are placed into the same assignment group as these people. Their mere existense is to make your project life tougher than hell. These retards ought to be fingered by an elephant.

S - Sex
No comments neccessary. Self explanatory.

T - Thicked Skinned
Used to describe neighbours that dont even greet you when u meet on a daily basis, but when their computer crashes… they will run to your house and act like bitches, hoping to get mr smartie (like me) to go over and fix their porn ridden computers free of charge. Whats worst, it has happened 15 times this year alone! Neighbours my arse.

U - Ultraman
Used to be my heroes (when i was still a kid) until i realised that they are merely faggots or average  joes in a rubber suit. I had a fren his name is chiaw chee lim, i think he used to put on a rubber suit ala ultraman for a toy fair.  The pay is good, no doubt.

V - Vagi oops
There are kids around, but we all know whats this is all about…

W - Wine
My passion, my work. I love wines… i love fine food. Its a lifestyle i believe everyone should adopt.

X- XXX
No, not vin diesel or that faggot looking nigger in the second episode. But the stuff ALL guys download. And with the news of the lauch of streamyx, i can feel a silent rejoice in the heart and mind of all guys.

Y - Yamate
For those who dont know what does this jap word means, go put your head in a toilet bowl and do a royal flush (VI style).

Z - …
Got fed up of this crap…… thats it, the end.

Its a lazy Thursday evening and i was watching this Guiness World Records show on AxN. I can’t help noticing that almost anything at all that people do can get into the G-Book…

take this bald, evil, perverted and villain-look chinese midget for example. Mr. Bald is a martial artist (no doubt, he looks as if apart from copulating, the other things he can do is only breaking necks and snapping spines) who is capable of using his abdominal muscles to create a suction between his abs and a chinese bowl that is powerful enough to hang himself in mid air! No shit! Imagine sucking a bowl on ur stomach,with the boal hung from a chopper 10 feet of the ground! With that much abdominal muscle power, i am sure he can satisfy 100 female primates in a single session of human-ape love making marathon (that is, if he pea shooter is as powerful as the abs). 

The other world record holder would be this good looking specky chinese guy. From the way he looks, i doubt that he can last a minute on bed, let alone do stunts. So i kinda make the assumption that he may be challenging for the FASTEST PREMATURE EJACULATION record. Well guess what, he is doing a stunt! This same specky guy is gonna break 24 bricks using his head! WHOA! Head, Bricks… head bricks, head bricks… this is gonna be interesting so i paid full attention. Bricks where laid on the floor in stack of 2s, and mr Specky did a sommmersault, landing his head on the pile of bricks, and proceed to smash all 12 pile of bricks (honestly at this moment, i was really awed but my evilness was hoping that his head would crack open and his brain splattered on the floor)! OMFG… how could they do all that??? 0_0!

And not to mention the other day another chinese bloke lifted 30kg of weight attached to his cock! I can do a bicep curl using 20 kg, not my cannon  o_0"  I cant believe that all this is happening. Imagine i have the super powers of Mr. Bald and Mr. PowerCock combined… i am dead sure i can satisfy even a humpback whale *Evil laughter from evil thought*!!! Maybe i can become the Maestro de Copulatee or something.

Moral of the Post:
DO NOT DEDICATE HALF YOUR FARKED UP LIFE TRAINING ON SILLY STUNTS TO APPEAR ON A 30 MINUTE TV SHOW (where some genius would blog about ur capability). TIME IS BETTER SPEND ON THINKING OF HOW TO MAKE LOADS OF MONEY…

Have a nice day!

received my baby today, the Proton Gen.2 Highline Manual Transmission Vigor Red. Here’s some specs of my new wheels…

• Its a proton (and they are supposed to suck)
• It has 1.6 DOHC engine called CAMPro (without Camshaft Profiling System)
• It has leather seats (beige… is class)
• It has twin air bags (most house wives with big ass have twin air bags too!)
• It has ABS (Aku Brek Sendiri… ala flinstones)
• It has EBD (dont know whats this… Entah Bunyi Darimana?)
• It has 4 Disc Brakes
• Oh… and it has 110 brake horse powers too (at a high 6k RPM).

Honestly, i heard more complains about proton gen.2 than those sleezy, masturbating trolls they call government servants. The complaint list goes on and on, they whine and whine, bitch and bitch, ya da yada yada about how pathetic their gen.2s were… which left me kinda confused about my choice. The owners of newer cars seems to bitch less… good sign number one. There is a club going about for gen.2 owners … farking good sign number two. THERE ARE SATISFIED GEN.2 OWNERS!!!! …. thats it, i am getting one!

And so i got mine… after some bank primate felt that i couldnt afford it, and make a big fucking fuss out of it. And i had to march up into the bank and impale him in the ass with a fire hydrant than only he realised i meant business. And so, my loan was approved, albeit lenghtened to 4 years (bank sucks, bank with fire hydrant sized ass holes primates as staff sucks even more… bank who rejects my loan application shud be turned into a crematorium, farking money driven primates!)

I did 120 km on my first day, to sum it up in one work… fantastic, 2 words? Hell Yeah! Maybe if u dont expect too much then you will be pleasantly surfarkingprised like i did. Gen.2 is a good car, albeit some small small problems (i had 2, discussed below). But i defarkingnitely feels that it justifies its 59k price tag. Lets talk about the positives…

• I havent let the engine run in, and the fuel consumption is at a healthy 6.9 L /100 km on the highway, and 11 L / 100km during really bad jams.
• I just drove and drove and the next thing i know, i was doing 110kmh. Never realised that.
• The 4 speakers were superb. Not to say damn GOOD but good enough to come as a part of a stock vehicle. Blaupunkt i think.
• Handling is top notch. You sentras, vios’, corollas, and maybe even the older civics can bow to the marvel of Lotus engineering. I took sharp bends and corners at minimum 90 km/h and i was damn amazed! Handles like dream!
• Power is decent at lower RPM. Kicks in at about 2500 and above. Quite powerful as overtaking was made short work off. Things are looking really good here.
• Interior looks good.

Okay, that was the good part, here comes the things that i dont quite like about my new car:

• Interior feels cheap due to excessive usage of plastics.
• My key remote control went psycho, now it works, the next damn minute it doesnt. Made an appointment with captor to fix it tomorrow morning.
• My front passenger door is hard to open (altho my 12 year old brother managed to open it, its stiffer than the other 4 doors). Gonna get that fixed tomorrow too!

Overall i am damn satisfied with my new wheels. At its price, with the small problems rectified, its a joy to drive, even more joyous to own. Maybe i will start getting wet dreams about my car too *kidding. Photos coming soon….

* This post is too clean, and i dont really like clean posts. So lets add some profanities to spice things up. To those anti protons and proton haters out there (i am talking about those who never owned a proton, but bitch the loudest)… you guys are pathetic, u have 3rd world mentality in my supposedly first world BolehLand, go fuck yourselves (or your exhaust pipes with the engine on, revving up to the redline). You guys love to see others fail, i am sure most of u hope that my car would split into do while doing 120kmh and that i hit a cow head first into the rear end at 100 kmh, well fark you and your stone age minds cos that will never happen. Now i, the epitome of everything evil, place a curse on you so called blind proton haters tht you will live with anal warts and an itchy impotent cock for the rest of your pointless existense. FARK YOU! and goodnight to all my loyal readers. Au revoir…

Was happily doing database normalization for my assignment when i heard some orgasmic sound… ‘weird, who would be humping each other in broad day light? (its half past noon)’ then i realised that it was my brothers sony ericsson ringtone.

0_o"

From this moment onwards, i will try to not sabotage his Kazaa downloads, he must be suffering from lack of ‘action’ which drove him to have such outrageously hideous ring tone (there was once i deleted his freshly download porno and renamed THE william hung video to the same name as the deleted porno… that must have caused an emotional scar *high pitched evil laughter*) . Imagine that ringtone going off in a packed cinema… HEY! that would be an interesting experiment… gonna try that on my friends… muahahhahahahaha

Anyways, after getting distracted by that sound, my phone rang. It was my car sales agent…

‘Hello Bruce’
‘Hello Tony’
‘I have your documents with me now, your car is here already’
(i sensed some feeling of accomplishment that he finally got my car, but what the fark, this oversized big in the middle gecko brain took 3 bloody weeks to get it done… )
‘Really? Great, when are we registering the car?’
‘Later at 2, see u at my office’
‘Okay Tony, thanks’

So, its finally here… i havent got her a name…

This is gonna be exciting…